An open letter to my *psychedelic* facilitator

Grateful for the therapeutic experiences in non-clinical settings

A lot has changed. I wanted to thank you for helping me with my journeys starting in 2020. Yes, even though it took me ~3 years to find you.

I feel I am in a much better place than I was before. I haven’t done a major journey since March of last year. I have shed every *thing* in San Francisco and relocated to Thailand. I am very grateful to have the ability to move and live here. My life needed a shake up.

There was a time where I wasn’t aware of my emotions, much less know what they were or how to recognize them. I was numb to it all.

To have discovered my own emotions and feelings, and finally understand them at a visceral level, is a gift that I had not imagined. I had feelings of envy, jealousy, etc - I'm glad that those feelings along with hate, anger are mostly gone within me. I haven’t felt angry about anything in a really long time. Yes, I get occasionally frustrated but even that is rare. If you recall, I had also lost confidence in my professional abilities. I had so many doubts about that area which I was skilled and experienced in, while at the same time my personal growth was giving me a lot of confidence as a human. Now, I have balance in both parts of my life. I am still a work in progress and forever will be.

It stemmed from my own feelings of not wanting to be abandoned, feel alone, etc which was the trauma from my childhood - that I have reconciled - thanks to the journeys with you. I realize that me trying to please someone else or living up to cultural expectations, just for the sake of this, is not healthy. This doesn't mean that I not do, or care, by showing it to them - some prefer acts of service.

What they want, has to come from me feeling it, and *WANTING* to do it rather than I *SHOULD* do it. I had let my head overrule my gut and heart so many times. I don’t do that any more. I check in with how it feels in my body to guide me on decisions I make, what I say, how I say, etc.

Wrt relationships, friendships, etc, there are ones that I ended, they ended, or it mutually ended. I feel sad about them. I can only remember and appreciate the wonderful moments I had with them. I no longer feel abandoned. I would rather see them happy with or without me in their life. It’s what they choose, I respect that. It doesn't matter if I prefer them in my life.

I'll miss some of them. I am grateful to have had them in my life for as long as it was possible. I also have the feeling that some people are just not good for me to have in my life. I have let them go. I wish them well. I am mindful of my own boundaries and want to surround myself with people that aren't toxic and are genuine.

Life is too short to hope for others to adapt to what I want or me to adapt to them where I loose myself in the process. This is not the same as compromising - compromise in a way that nourishes me and them. That only comes from knowing myself really well. This gift of self-discovery is what enables me to give without condition or expectations while at the same time maintaining a healthy boundary for myself. The learning process is never ending. It’s like there are infinite layers to my onion and each one reveals something amazing - can be euphoric or challenging.

All I want to do, and have been, is be honest and true to myself. Be aware and accept whatever happens in the moments of life! I am dedicating the rest of my life to building out Mind Lumen so I can do my little part to nudge the world in an ethical direction so others can seek their own bliss. I will focus on building it in a way that stays true to who I am and want to be. It’s my hope that it will be turned over to a foundation when I am gone to continue. For fun, I mix music and DJ. I also started the Bay Area Asian Psychedelic Society for in-person connections and starting the Bangkok Asian Psychedelic Society and will also be working on a podcast series on The Asian Psychedelic Experience for stories in their own language and cultural context (anonymous if people want to remain that way). I’ll have plenty to do to keep me busy and I am ok if a lot of it doesn’t get done. I’ll do what I can within the time I have left on this planet. 

I am living a blissful life now - in a wonderful state of flow. When I got back from Portugal in early Oct. 2023, I decided to take charge of my own life. This doesn't mean it's "happy" all the time, nor do I chase “happiness”. I seek bliss in every moment - most times successfully, sometimes not. There are still a couple of major obstacles of the past to deal with, but overall, it's been amazing since late 2017 (my first experience at Oregon Eclipse) and accelerated over the past 3-4 years, even with the chaos, and my bouts of depression in late 2022 and mid-2023 as well as periods of it, in the last several years.

I am grateful to you 🙏🏻 - Be well and keep doing what you do!

☮️

PS. A friend did a reading for me and I keep referring to this on occasion.